Every now and then, I decide to test the employment market and hone my questionable interview skills.
I’ve had many wonderful experiences whilst doing this, made many friends and even become employed once or twice!
Alas, then there are the other experiences…
I have had the privilege of working with many excellent internal recruiters across many companies. So many of you in the internal recruitment space are overworked, underpaid, underappreciated but still 6 different types of awesome.
Alas, there is a group of McFucks that contribute only detriment. They need to do better and to be instructed.
So, with that said…
These are the accepted modern equivalents of pimps – seeking to sell you to an interested party whilst taking a percentage of what you end up earning should the employer they’re pimping you to decides to pay for your services.
Although many do attempt to prepare and coach candidates for such wonderful encounters, the percentage they are awarded tends to increase with position seniority. As a result, the wankier your LinkedIn profile is, the more likely you are to be accosted by someone who claims to be very impressed with your experience after greeting you with “Hello <FIRST_NAME>!” and their demonstrable inability to use LinkedIn’s features properly.
These overtures tend to fall into one of the following categories:
My friend recommended you to me…
This is seemingly a newer “tactic”, designed to break through the grizzled exterior veterans have developed after dealing with the pimps of the industry. The overture starts with “My friend <insert name I’ve never heard> recommended you for a position I am trying to fill. Please send your current resume to <some Yahoo!/GMail/Outlook.com e-mail address>!
Inevitability, the mouth breathers who try this tactic are after your LinkedIn network and/or meeting some bizarre quota their equally-inept managers have arbitrarily imposed for contacts, new connections or volume of verbal flatulence.
In terms of counter-tactics, I’ve found that the following tend to provide amusement:
- “Really? I definitely don’t know your friend!” – this tends to result in “Well, now that we know each other, let’s connect!”. Asking “Why? What’s in it for me?” tends to result in hilarity.
- “Sorry, I no longer consider that person a friend after they walked in on me having sex with their mum – the fucker didn’t even knock, and I don’t care it was at their house! You should still knock before barging into the shitter!”
- “Tell your friend he still owes me $250 for that orgy in Pattaya. I hope he’s ok – he swore that rubbing toothpaste on his cock would protect him from STIs.”
You’re awesome, and I’m sure you have awesome friends in the industry
This one fucks this Arsehole off beyond all belief, and is incredibly common.
As this Arsehole is now 142 years old, he apparently has experience and skills (if only they knew the truth!).
For some unknown reason, this seemingly translates into this Arsehole knowing a great many professionals who are all desperate to have their time wasted by IT pimps who won’t even offer to give you an option other than sleeping in the wet patch.
The messages typically take a form that shares the stench of this assemblage of word-shaped things:
I have an exciting opportunity with Fluffers for Step-sisters Stuck in Dryers LLC!
Your experience is very impressive and I don’t want to assume that you’re looking for new opportunities right now but thought that you might know people that are interested in making a change.
Please send me their details so I can connect!
This is another attempt for said flesh-trafficker to expand their network in the hope of earning 20% or more of a person’s first year compensation whilst contributing nothing other than their questionable personality.
As I love my friends dearly (we’ve been over this before – suspend your laughter at the idea that I have friends who are none of imaginary, paid for or cats), so I should advocate for them appropriately.
So I do:
- “I’d be happy to inform my friends and colleagues, however I’d need to have total compensation and benefit details to do so.” – most fail to comprehend this question, making statements of “Base salary is $X and there are RSUs and benefits”. When asked for clarification, they typically respond with, “If there’s someone you have in mind, give me their details and we’ll talk”. They don’t tend to enjoy my reiteration of a requirement for clarification.
- “Do you have a referral program?” – this is wonderful. Someone who is paid on commission asks for introductions, but typically finds sharing any amount of their commision to be offensive.
- “Here are my remuneration requirements” – this typically results in “Oh, we can’t meet that – how about your friends?” Responding with “Why would I be so unkind to my friends?” typically results in pleadings regarding the culture of the company, which are demonstrably irrelevant.
Other LinkedIn detritus
This category is perhaps the most pathetic.
You work at <Insert big company name here> – we can help you solve your problems!
When asked that said problems be specified, said aggressor tends to retract, diminish and beg.
We can reduce your spend on <product X> immediately! Let’s have a meeting!
This is akin to my previous posts – asking the aggressor to quantify the level of spend reduction results in questions as opposed to clarification.
TL;DR: LinkedIn is a bit of a McFukt place. And I’m loving it.