How long I have waited! How long I have hoped for this wonderful day!
In the last 7 days, I received a phone call that commenced with the sultry tones of GlaDOS, assuming she’d decided to go out on a bender of nutmeg and kerosene:
This call is from Telstra.
Your IP has been been hacked and is compromised. You need a new IP and a new router, and this will be provided free of charge. Please press 1 to talk to our Senior Technician.
How could I refuse? I pressed 1 with extreme enthusiasm and proceeded to talk to a person who we shall call Percival as to protect their identity (apologies to all persons named Percival who aren’t actual pricks).
Speaking to Percival was interesting, in the same way that attempting to save a towel from being swallowed by one’s toilet is interesting.
Percival: “Hello, I be Senior Technician Percival. Are you a Telstra customer?”
UA: “You tell me Percival – which IP address did I last secure a lease on ?”
Percival: “Yes, your IP has been hacked. Your internet has been hacked.”
UA: “I don’t have ‘an internet’. What does ‘IP’ stand for?”
Percival: “Sir, I need to access your PC so I can fix your internet.”
UA: “You were asked a very simple question – answer it or go bugger a goat. Or a cow. Or both. Perhaps you can upload the footage to ‘your internet’ so someone can scam your stupid arse when they claim that your ‘IP’ has been ‘hacked’. Also, ‘IP’ stands for ‘Ignorant Peon’ – when did you last wank whilst huffing perfume in a Chemist?”
Percival: “I will find you and KILL YOU! <click>”
Well, I seemingly upset poor Percival. So much so that his manager Clarence decided to call me and provide more amusement:
Clarence: Sir, my good name be Clarence. Your internet has been hacked! Percival need to help you!
UA: You are so full of shit you cry brown tears.
Clarence: You are a racist! We are legitimate business!
UA: Ok – what are the last 3 digits of my payment instrument used to fund my Telstra account? I know that those details are available to all sales and support personnel.
Clarence: Do be confirming your credit card number so I can be providing the detail.
Clarence: But sir, I must have the info for doing the needful.
UA: I like cheese. Please cease to exist. <click>
I tied up Clarence and Percival for about an hour, got a hold of their call origins and network arrangements, sent then on to various legal and commercial entities and hopefully made their lives somewhat harder.
I do hope they call back – their sobbing was quite unique.