Recruitment agencies…the Arsehole awakens

During these troubled times, recruiters from various agencies are still busily asking people if they’d like to abandon their current place of employ in order to furnish them with a fee for ejaculating them in the general direction of a new boss.

This is all well and good, however some of the most recent attempts I’ve seen are as poorly structured as my attempts at dancing and love; I assure you, dear reader, that you are better off having not seen my sorry efforts in either of these endeavours (and apologise to those who have endured this far in seeking parse my attempts at prose).

Somewhat recently, such a “professional” claiming to be acting on behalf of a multinational company with “very amazing roles” (their words, not mine) gushed over my shoddy LinkedIn profile before requesting that I give them my phone number.

I provided “my digits” (which is apparently what the cool kids say) along with statements of needing visa sponsorship to work in the country in question (including the type of visa), my salary expectations and my long-form CV.

It was agreed that said pimp for professionals would call me at 2pm on Thursday. 

That’s not exactly what ended up happening.

Instead, the following happened:

  • 9:58am – I received an SMS message: Hi UltimateArsehole, I’m <some name I’ve never seen before> from <some company I’ve never heard of> – you free at 10am for our chat?
  • 10:56am – The same sender inflicted another message onto my mobile device: Sorry, I see that you requested my colleague call you at 2pm.
  • 12:47pm – Yet another SMS: What number should I call you on?
  • 2:02pm – The vibrating of my phone heralds the commencement of discussion

The call

This is where things became quite strange. After some brief niceties, I asked who the recruiter was representing and was given two company names. 

I’d recently spoken to talent sourcers at both of the companies mentioned and had committed to talking to them should I be interested in exploring opportunities with each company. 

This was met with a most bizarre set of responses:

  • Oh, I know the people you’ve spoken to – what are their names? (The issue with this statement is left as an exercise for the reader)
  • We have better access than those people – you should work with us (?!?)

My reiteration of previously mentioned commitments was met with the unmistakable sound of frustration, akin to attempting to achieve a solo climax after a potential pronging partner’s profuse projection of phlegm and previously-poured Prosecco into the porcelain phone.

Then the questions started…

  • What are your salary expectations?
  • You’re a US citizen, right?
  • Oh, you’re not a US citizen? So you have PR?
  • Oh, so you need H-1B?

In response to each of these, I reiterated that I’d already provided the information being requested and that I thought it was not a good use of our time to continue the discussion until that information had been reviewed.

For. Every. Single. Question.

Alas, this “people placement executive” was not to be dissuaded by the likes of this Arsehole! They pushed on, with flusterment comparable to a McDonald’s employee fending off marriage proposals from high bogans  at 3:33am.

  • How soon can you quit your current job?
  • How would you rate yourself on each of the following programming languages from 1 to 5?

At this point, I insisted that the call ended immediately and that no further discussion occur until previous correspondence had been read and understood, and that should have been the end of it.


I received a follow-up e-mail from the person I’d originally conversed with regarding these “very amazing roles”, which was roughly written thusly:

Dear Arsehole,

I do not understand why you refused to speak with my colleague and let us represent you at BigCompanyA and MassiveCompanyB – what exactly was the issue? Very confused.

When I reiterated my concerns in writing, I received the most bizarre response I’ve seen to date when dealing with any recruiter:

Can’t you just answer their questions? It can’t be that hard!

And I was having such a nice afternoon…

To summarise: 

  • I’d provided written answers to questions that were asked during the first exchange
  • The next engagement step was as poorly organised as my scrotal wrinkles (pre-scrotox of course – I’m not a savage)
  • The actual call involved a bunch of questions that had already been answered
  • Requests that my previous, written answers be reviewed and the discussion be rescheduled ignored multiple times
  • My surname had been used in place of my first name in multiple interactions (those who know me understand how much this annoys me)
  • The ease of providing information was impressed upon me…by the person who already had all the answers requested but was either unable or unwilling to pass said answers on!

There was nothing else for it…

The Arsehole awakens from his slumber

I did some digging and found that the company in question is not actually a recruitment agency at all – they’re an intermediary attempting to build a database that they then sell access to or obtain a finders fee for making cursory introductions. They operate under several names, but do have relationships with with the companies they mentioned if their web presences were to be believed. 

As they’d misrepresented themselves, I decided to “help” them and sent copies of my correspondence to the large corporations they were begging to represent me to.

In an experience that is (apparently) comparable to treating a fungal infection infesting one’s dangly bits with Lamisil, a week later saw thank you messages from the NASDAQ members involved and all mention of said companies removed from the website of the “recruitment agency”.