Technology advancement is wonderful. Thanks to the relentless focus on data as a valuable commodity there are many means of maintaining contact with friends, family, coworkers, businesses and advertisers that are based on acknowledged relationships between parties. As a result, the majority of the communication I engage in does not involve a conventional phone call.
Consequently, it was with great joy and anticipation that I answered my phone recently only to be greeted with a voice wanting to offer me access to an amazing investment opportunity! What a frabjous day it was turning out to be!
Of course, my joy was entirely a function of the fun I thought I was going to have. My expectations were met in this regard – I was very amused.
Give me your number
Scammy calls of this nature always have a predictable, boring structure. For the purposes of giving an example, we shall call the lying, vindictive belligerent party in this scenario Scott Morrison.
Scott: Hello! Is this Ultimate Arsehole? I am from Dodgy As All Fuck Fake Investments and I have an amazing, fantastic opportunity for you! We have many happy investors and are eager to share the details of their success with you and help you reach your financial goals quickly and without any risk. Would you be interested in us sending you more details on our products?
At this point, there are many ways one could respond to useless pricks like Scott. Some of my favourites include:
- Really? What are my financial goals specifically?
- Can you provide me with a link to the ATO ruling that covers your product?
- What’s your company’s ABN? The form on ScamWatch won’t let me submit reports without that.
- What is the Morning Star rating on your product?
- I only invest in mud wrestling promotions and brothels for livestock
- Are your expense ratios calculated before or after deducting time lost to management masturbating and them praying for forgiveness for masturbating?
As the person in question was calling from an Australian number and was in fact calling an Australian number, I decided to try out a well-worn shortcut so I could get back to perfecting my masturbating-whilst-investing technique. I simply asked, “What is your organisation’s AFSL number?”
At this point, “Scott” started making a series of statement about as coherent as an inexperienced teenager in a barrel of Vaselined eels.
Scott: Yes, I am from Dodgy As All Fuck Fake Investments – DAAFFI
UA: That’s interesting, and not even remotely an answer to my question. What is your Australian Financial Services License number?
Scott: Yes, we provide investment services.
UA: This really isn’t that hard. You’re selling financial services, and to do so you need to possess an AFS License – I ask again, what is your AFSL number?
Scott: The numbers for returns on investment are only available to customers.
UA: I’m sorry, but do you have some difficulties with comprehension or basic English? I’ve asked a simple question, and you either need to give me the requested answer or admit that you’re engaging in a scam.
At this point, I really thought this person would cut their losses and go dial a bogan named Keith or Theo. How wrong and amused I was….
Scott: Our number is 612 8103 4313.
At this point, one should probably have two pieces of information:
- An AFSL number is generally 6 digits long.
- “61” is the Country Code for Australia as allocated by the ITU
I could scarcely believe it myself – Scott had somehow decided to give me a phone number to satisfy my request for actual credentials. At this point, I laughed so hard that one of my cats attacked one of my feet, the local neighbourhood nutter complained about the noise and I learned about the effect of mineral water and saliva on Razer’s green keyboard switches. Scott was not impressed by the remainder of my response:
UA: That’s a phone number. In fact, it’s the phone number that was presented before I answered this call. Do you have an AFSL number or not?
Scott: Our address is on Pitt Street in Sydney…
At this point, I decided that I was overdue for my third wank of the evening and decided to wrap this fuckery up.
UA: Again, that statement has precisely nothing to do with my question. Do you know that you’re participating in a scam Scott or are you a victim like the Keiths, Nigels and Teeshans that you spout this fuckery at?
TL;DR: Scammer is asked for a license number – provides their phone number in response. Was amusing, would repeat.